MARRIAGE
This topic is one of the topics we as parents fail
in preparing our children. We don’t prepare
them for marriage. If we prepared them
properly there would be less problems in marriage when they got married. The divorce rate in the church is just about
as much as there is outside the church.
If you go to the church statistics, our youth are
marrying later than they used to. We all
just hang out together, but they don’t have to be responsible to provide and
take care of. Our social structure is
changing.
We need to teach our children the doctrine of the
family. It is to create righteous
families. It’s an eternal purpose. We are anxious to teach morality strong for
the intent that they will be worthy to go to the temple, so they can marry a
return missionary or a righteous pure young woman. They can get married and be sealed for time
and eternity. That is the beginning not
the end and we don’t teach them past that.
Girls watch a lot of chick flicks. They end when they get together. They think the chick flick ending is how
marriage is. They just get along so
well.
HOMEWORK:
Read this article read it with a paper and pencil and write down a to-do
list.
Agency
& Love in Marriage Lynn Robbins October 2000 Ensign
Read the syllabus on marriage
Lynn Robbins “It is almost humorous to observe a
young unmarried couple in love. After spending an entire day together, they are
back together again on the phone that same night. It’s sheer torture for them
to be separated. Even in their thoughts they can hardly focus on anything else.
Love begins to disrupt their studies or work. Everything else in life becomes a
nuisance and an interruption that keeps them apart until they can be together
again. In their minds there was never, in the history of the world, a truer
love than theirs. We call this level of premarriage intensity “infatuation.”
High energy/low sleep. Do you remember in that moment how much
conscious effort to think about your ‘soon to be spouse’. You get married and the first little while is
awesome. Then you realize there are
quirks you didn’t bargain for. How long did it take you to see that marriage
isn’t it all cracked up to be?
The first one is about 6 months in. Then real life sets in. 5 years is the first real evaluation
period. You usually have 2 children and not
much income. You have lots of debt. Sometimes you will start saying “I wonder
what would have happened if I married Joe.
He’s a doctor and doing well.” 10
years is the next big hump. You have 4
kids by then. Your body isn’t the same
as when you go married. There are too
many people at this stage that go on Facebook to see how other people are doing.
Marry the person you love, but then in marriage
fall in love with who you married.
“After they marry, this intensity tapers off.
Living under the same roof, they each begin to discover a few peculiar
idiosyncracies in the other that they had not seen before. Some of these are
irritating. The infatuation begins to fade. Those who have confused infatuation
for love begin to worry and wonder if they are falling out of love. “Where is
that level of passion, the fire I had during courtship?” they may ask
themselves. Their relationship is passing through a common stage and is at an
important crossroad. If they believe they have fallen out of love, they may
begin to drift apart.”
At this point we don’t want a divorce. We have a family and we still love them, but
it’s kind of an empty feeling. I just
feel lonely. They are so busy and
distracted. We begin living parallel
lives. We live in the same home, but our
lives no longer intersect. We pass
through. We go through the agenda….who
is picking up who. He is doing his thing
and you are doing your thing. Mostly
it’s parallel. You are not seeking a
divorce. This isn’t a whole lot of fun.
“There seems to be a superstition among many
thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage
is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks to which a perpetually young
and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When
the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear the divorce courts are
jammed. … “Anyone who imagines that
bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he
has been robbed.” (Deseret News, 12 June 1973, p. A4.)” What
God Hath Joined Together, President Gordon B. Hinkley Ensign April 1991
Universal feeling of good people in good
relationships. We don’t give Satan
credit for the impact in our life. We
look at blessing as say that is a tender mercy.
Usually what you will say is, “I am rotten wife.” Or “If he would just help more, get off video
games, pay more attention.” Happiness is
a condition that I will feel when it’s met.
That is not true. Happiness is
something that is in your heart and you are in charge of.
The adversary’s attacks upon eternal marriage will
continue to increase in intensity, frequency, and sophistication.
We should consider the intent of our enemy in
this latter-day war.
The Father’s plan
is designed to provide direction for His children, to help them become happy,
and to bring them safely home to Him. Lucifer’s attacks on the plan are
intended to make the sons and daughters of God confused and unhappy and to halt
their eternal progression. The overarching intent of the father of lies is that
all of us would become “miserable like unto himself” (
2 Nephi 2:27),
and he works to warp the elements of the Father’s plan he hates the most. Satan
does not have a body, he cannot marry, and he will not have a family. And he
persistently strives to confuse the divinely appointed purposes of gender,
marriage, and family.
Marriage
Is Essential To His Plan World Wide Leadership Training February 2006 David
A Bednar
Satan is actively at war on your marriage. He causes you to stay in negative thought in
the relationship. If those become the
core of your thought or if you simply withdraw without thinking about the
relationship (silent treatment to the relationship). Either way he wins. He wins because he is keeping you from being
anxiously engaged in building a happy relationship.
You are teaching your children that is what
marriage is. Now the next generation is
self entitled, then the next generation gets the divorces. Be an example of a good marriage.
Your happiness is not dependent on them! It is dependent on you and what you can
do.
Alma
32:37 (Parable of Marriage)
37 And behold, as the
tree
(marriage) beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it
with great care, that it may get
root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye
nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
38 But
if ye neglect the
tree (marriage), and take no thought for its
nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun
cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck
it up and cast it out.
Neglect the marriage=too busy doing other things
Heat of sun=financial stress, busyness, children,
illness
Then you pluck it up and cast it out (not
necessarily a divorce-you are no longer entwined)
39 Now,
this is not because the
seed marriage was not good, neither is it
because the
fruit (love) thereof would not be desirable; but it is
because your
ground (hear(t is barren, and ye will not nourish the
tree (marriage(, therefore ye cannot have
the
fruit (love) thereof.
Lynn Robbins--He sat on the committee of the
church to have sealing cancellations.
Number one reason people were requesting divorce is because they were
falling out of love. Do you fall out of
kindness? No you don’t fall out of
kindness. If you don’t feel kindness
it’s because you quit doing kind things.
If you are not feeling the feeling of love it is because you aren’t
doing loving things. The feeling is a
byproduct.
To be in love is that wonderful feeling. To be in love is a commitment to do loving
things.
Every day is a special occasion.
“When
obedience (marriage) ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that
moment God will endow us with power.”
Obedience
Life’s Great Challenge Ezra T. Benson April 1998
“Let every mother understand that if she does
anything to diminish her children's father or the father's image in the eyes of
the children, it may injure and do irreparable damage to the self-worth and
personal security of the children themselves. How infinitely more productive
and satisfying it is for a woman to build up her husband rather than tear him
down. You women are so superior to men in so many ways that you demean
yourselves by belittling masculinity and manhood.”
The
Father Who Cares Ensign September 2006
If you roll your eyes. “Your dad didn’t take out the garbage
again.”
Women you prick.
I didn’t actually say you were bad.
When our children feel that. When
we demean him we are not showing our spiritual sensitivity.
How do you perk up your marriage? There is a season in life, for you to do all
these things that you are going to go back to that infatuation period you
won’t. That had something to do with
being early 20’s and raging hormones on both sides. Both of you are smarter and wiser and have
more depth. The relationship changes at
43 years is so different than the relationship you have at 5 years. The annoyances and irritants don’t even
matter anymore. We want to look for
things to help each other. It is the
attitude of caring. It is that marriage
is the quest. If you do these things,
don’t do it to buy that feeling. It’s
not coming back. Something better will
come.
If you choose to do these things it is not in
payoff mode. It’s not about keeping
score. If you keep score it’s not a
gift. A gift has no strings
attached. It’s just a gift of the heart. Take one of these and give it as a gift from
the heart.
Some of you feel helpless and hopeless. Start praying about it and have your heart
changed to see them differently. Then
have the strength to do one of these things.
Maybe read his patriarchal blessing.
Pick at least one to do….
1.
You start to live the gospel better. Pray with greater intent. Pray gratitude for your marriage. You need to soften your heart before you can
bring the spirit to your marriage.
“I suppose you would say it is a man’s viewpoint
to throw a burden upon a woman to maintain the stability and the sweetness of
marriage, but this seems to be her divine nature. She has a superior
spirituality in the marriage relationship, and the opportunity to encourage,
uplift, teach, and be the one who sets the example in the family for righteous
living. When women come to the point of realizing that it is more important to
be superior than to be equal, they will find the real joy in living those
principles that the Lord set out in his divine plan” (
Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 139).
Eternal
Marriage Student Manual
If Satan takes your gift of being superior
spirituality he twists it into self righteousness. When you use it to serve it will bless.
2.
Value
each other and appreciate the differences in your roles. To learn to validate is to express in
positives those things that are good.
You should be saying positives 15:1.
Get a whiteboard with dry erase markers hang it up in your
bathroom. Write something on that board
that you admire about him. 99 positive
things you can say. Days of the month—30
days of things to do. Do something every
day.
Couple that was married, went to a fireside. Irritants in every marriage find out what it
is and stop doing it. Always left lid
off the toothpaste. He decided he would
put the lid back on. All week she never
said a word. He thought it didn’t bother
her that much. We need to talk. She finally said, “Why haven’t you brushed
your teeth all week.”
It takes effort to break a bad habit.
3.
Spend
non-electric time together. Make dinner
together, go for a walk, shoot hoops, play volleyball, read a book together
4.
Learn your spouses love language.
Everyone doesn’t hear I love you the same
way.
Languages: in the syllabus.
You need to figure out what your love
language is.
We tend to express love in
our language even if it isn’t their language.
You have to teach them what you need.
“For All Eternity” by John Lund
You can take an online test to figure out love languages at "The 5 Love Languages"
5.
Meet at the crossroads and touch. There is nothing that will make your spouse
or children feel better as they come and go during the day. You meet at the door. You put your arms around them and hug them
and say I’m glad you are home. You have
to “go” to them. Practice the 20-second
kiss.
6.
Be kind.
Be friends. Treat your spouse
like you treat your best friend. You
speak nicer to everyone else. Share
happy talk. Be grateful. Say please and thank you. Don’t take offense where none is intended. We will hold them accountable. Do not gossip about your spouse to
anyone. Don’t tell your sister, mother,
best friend what he did yesterday.
Smile! Laugh in your home.
7.
Take responsibility for your own emotional
well-being. Don’t blame a bad day on
them. Keep track of your cycle. Know when it’s coming. Stock up on the chocolate. They are not responsible for your
well-being. Find people that make you
happy. You need positive input from
other people. We think it’s our spouses
responsibility to make us happy and it’s our responsibility to make them
good.
8.
Avoid unreal expectations. Stop comparing. Don’t look back to you and don’t
compare. Those of you who read romance
novels burn them! That is not real
life. You come back to reality after
you’ve read those and you are miserable.
9.
Learn to listen.
We listen with the intent to answer.
If we are having a conversation we try to turn it around to us. Before you can turn it around or share your
experience. Then you have to ask 3
questions. Ask questions that say I care
about you.
10. Remember
this is an eternal relationship. Pray
together as a couple every night. Go to
the temple and renew in your own mind the covenants that you have made. Pray in specifics that the Lord will show you
how to serve your spouse. Pray that the
Lord will show you who your husband is.
I challenge you to light the fire in you so you
can serve in gratitude your spouse.
